An Open Letter to My Second First Love

An Open Letter to My Second First Love

(The One Who Truly Taught Me What I'm Worth)

               You left me. You left me when you said you never would. I don’t know why I was surprised. It’s happened countless times before. You left me when you said you never would, but it’s my fault for expecting you to keep that promise.

               What haunts me the most is all of the things you said. For nearly nine months, you engrained into my brain the thought that I had finally found the one I was meant to be with. My soulmate. You engrained thoughts of marriage, family, pets, careers, and all of these tiny, little things I had dreamed of since I was a child. You made me believe wholeheartedly that my dreams would one day become reality! With you…

               With you, I felt like I owned the world. I felt like no one could ever bring me down. I felt that no matter what disaster tried to destroy me, as long as I was in your arms I was safe. Little did I know, the one who I saw as my protection from destruction was the one who would destroy me. You were the world to me, and with a few simple words on a bright little screen, you made that world come crashing down. All at once…

               All at once, it was as if nothing we had ever meant anything to you. For so many long months, you had me convinced that you loved me and wanted a future with me. You told me we were meant to be. I believed you. Who wouldn’t believe the one they love when they say that? Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe you never meant it. For nine months, you had me convinced you meant every word. But only days after you left, you had moved on with someone else. So did you ever really mean it? Or did you mean it up until just a few weeks ago? I guess I’ll never know.

               I told you what haunts me the most, now I’ll tell you what hurts me the most. What hurts the most is the fact that you’re already with someone else. Or you were, apparently. Not even four days later you had someone else. You threw everything we had for nine months away like it was nothing. You made me feel like trash. You should never treat the one you claim to love like they’re the gum you scrape off the bottom of your nice, new Nikes.

               You should never treat the one you claim to love like they’re less than your nice pair of shoes. When a girl feels like you care about your 20 pairs of Nikes more than her, there’s something wrong. When a girl feels like she is less than perfect for you, there is something wrong. When you belittle the one you “love” because she has flaws which you don’t understand, there is something wrong.

               My love, you made me feel like I was not worth anyone’s time of day. You convinced me that every other girl on the planet was worth your time over me. A girlfriend should never in her life feel like her boyfriend prefers the attention of other girls over her. She should feel loved and cared for, not worthless and unwanted. You taught me that. I will not go into detail of the things you did to make me hate myself, because we both know we’ve been over it a thousand times. You just never understood. So I will not repeat it.

What I will say is thank you. Thank you for teaching me what I’m worth. Thank you for the things you did to/for me, right and wrong. Thank you for making me feel like I was on top of the world just to bring me down to the bottom. Thank you for making me realize that it’s not the words a person says, but the actions they perform that matter. Thank you for renewing my love for basketball. Thank you for teaching me what it’s like to truly love someone, and showing me how someone I love should not treat me. Thank you for helping me make peace with my first first love. You may have been my real first love, but what you did to me made me realize at least he acted like I mattered to him. So thank you, for everything. For creating the most amazing memories of my life so far, and the worst. Thank you for helping me through the worst times in my life, even if most were because of you. Thank you for making me a better person, and reminding me that I’m not worthless, I’m priceless.

I hope we meet again someday. When we’re older, wiser, happier. I hope we meet again someday, and who knows. We may be meant for each other, or we may be happily in our own relationships with better people. I hope we meet again someday, because despite everything you did to hurt me, I will always believe you were the right person. Just the wrong time. I will believe that until the day I am proven wrong.

Thank you.