An Open Letter to the One I Miss the Most

An Open Letter to the One I Miss the Most

               I haven’t seen you since June of 2010. I don’t remember the exact day, but I remember the exact day you left. I remember the exact day you went away to a better place; a place I could not follow. I remember the last time we spoke was only a few days before, but the last time I heard your voice was months before even then. I don’t remember your voice anymore. I don’t remember what it was like to visit your family and always look forward to seeing you most. I don’t remember because since the last day I saw you, I’ve always dreaded visiting your family. I dread it because I know when I enter that house, you will not be there. Your beautiful daughter is there, and she resembles you so well. It breaks my heart to see her there without you. I dread it because I know when I enter that house, I will see your high school yearbook pictures on the walls staring back at me.

               The fact that I can no longer remember the sound of your voice, your giddy laugh, the feel of your embrace when we’d hug after not seeing each other in months, or the way you could bring joy to any room you entered… it kills me. There are nights when I would give up everything I have just to be able to call you one last time and hear your voice tell me everything will be okay. The last time I talked to you was so long ago, and so much has changed since then. There have been so many nights when I’ve laid awake just wishing I could go back in time and change things. I still feel there’s something I could have done to stop it from happening; something I could have done to prevent you from going away. From leaving.

               You weren’t the first to leave, but you were the first to hurt that much. I remember the day. I remember being at my softball tournament. I remember the night before, I wanted to text you. I wanted to check in on you to see how things were because we hadn’t talked in maybe a week. I wanted to tell you how excited I was for my tournament, but I thought I would annoy you. I was afraid you’d think “why does my 12-year-old cousin text me so much?” Because what 24-year-old wants to hear from her 12-year-old cousin all the time? I remember wishing more than anything that I had pushed that thought aside and texted you anyway. I remember that day, my team winning our first game. I remember my coach saying we had an hour before the next, so my dad and I went home. I remember during the game he left the bleachers. I was in the outfield, so I saw him leave while on the phone. I remember not knowing who he was talking to. I thought nothing of it. I remember getting in the car, texting one of my teammates, and putting my phone back in my pocket. What I remember most is what my dad said not five minutes after being in the car together.

               Calmly, he says, “Your mother is going to Illinois for a few days to stay with her sister.”

               I think she’s going because her and my dad are fighting again. I say, “Oh, why?”

               He says, “Was Deana your cousin or what was she?”

               He uses past tense. That doesn’t register with me at first until I respond with, “She’s my cousin, why?” When I use present tense, I realize he uses past. Then the worst thought possible hits me.

               To this day, I cannot remember word for word what my father says at this part in the story, but here is what I think he says.

               He says something like, “Deana died last night.” My whole world comes crashing down.

               I remember this was the moment when I truly broke for the first time. I had witnessed people die in front of my face before. I had been to countless funerals in my 12 years of life. I had lost beloved pets to disease and murder before. Nothing hurt like this. People talk about their first heartbreaks with boys or girls. My first heartbreak was you. My first heartbreak was losing the one person who was truly always there for me. The one relative I had that I could always count on. My first heartbreak was my beautiful Deana Marie Garrison passing away on June 26, 2010.

               I remember the rest of the day. I remember crying all the way home, my dad trying to tell me to calm down, and me epically failing. I wailed. I had never cried like that before. I remember practically screaming my lungs out. I remember getting home, walking in the door, and seeing my two younger sisters and my mother come to greet me. Both of my sisters were bawling, my mom just looked sad. I had somewhat stopped crying by then. My mom looked at me as if I was so fragile I would break if I took one more step into the house. I didn’t say a word. I put my softball things down and just waited for the next game. I remember going back to the field. All I could think was, “Win this for her.” We didn’t win.

               It was our last game. When we lost, girls on my team cried. I was so angry with them. All I could think was, “Crying over a game? My cousin just died, and you’re crying because you lost a softball game.” I wanted to leave so badly. As soon as my dad and I left the field, we went home so my mother could take my sisters and I with her to Illinois. On the drive, I didn’t speak. I just stared. I stared out the window of the passenger seat of the Explorer until we reached my Aunt Deedee’s house. This was my dad’s sister. I remember my sisters and I were to stay with her for the night while my mom went to her sister’s house to help prepare for the funeral the next day.

               I don’t remember most of what happened the rest of that night. I only remember my mom calling my sisters and I before bed and telling us that she would pick us up before the funeral the next day. She mentioned that she was going to the viewing before that, and I begged her to let me go. I was closer to Deana than either of my sisters, so my mom let me. I had never been to the viewing before a funeral before, and I haven’t since, but what I saw was not what I imagined. I promised I would keep myself together and not cry at the viewing, but I remember looking at her for the first time. The last person I ever imagined seeing in a coffin, looking so peaceful and still. So lifeless. You were so lifeless, yet so beautiful.

               In that moment, I knew my life would never be the same. I knew I had lost the one person who would have gotten me through everything. I lost my best friend. I lost you. I began to cry again, so I walked away. I couldn’t handle seeing all of that beauty lying there without a pulse. After the viewing, there was the funeral. My mom and I drove back to my Aunt Deedee’s house to pick my sisters up. They asked me about the viewing as if it was some kind of party. I was crying. I couldn’t speak. We got to the funeral. There were so many people. So many people crying everywhere. The worst part? I was crying worse than your mother. I shouldn’t have been crying worse than her, I knew that wasn’t fair. I just couldn’t help it. Seeing you lying there destroyed me. It broke my heart time and time again for the next few hours. I sobbed until I could not breathe. I remember so many of my family members comforting me. I know no one had ever seen me like that before. I had never seen me like that before.

               After the funeral, I was still crying and sniffling. My Aunt Jenni took me with her and my cousin Kayleigh back to her house. There’s so much from that day which I still don’t remember.

               June 26, 2010 was the worst day of my life. It was the day I had my heart broken for the first time. And Lord, people are right when they say the first heartbreak is the worst. My heart was broken for the first time on that day five-and-a-half years ago. It has never truly healed. Since you left, so many things have happened. My heart has been broken twice. I’ve made so many terrible choices. So many mistakes. I’ve been so lost. I’ve felt so much pain, but I’ve also felt so much joy. You’ve missed so much.

               I went to my first Paramore concert a few months after you left. The one you were supposed to take me to. Your sister took me; I didn’t have as much fun as I would have with you. I got to meet Hayley’s boyfriend, though. Now they’re married, which is amazing. I’ve also seen them three other times since then. Their shows are wonderful. Magical. I wish you could’ve seen one before you left.

               I fell in love for the first time. It was beautiful. I was only fourteen, but I thought he was so perfect. I was so very wrong. He was the first person to teach me what people are capable of. I learned of the lies people could tell, the secrets they could keep. I learned not everyone should be trusted. I learned I was better off alone.

               I made some very bad choices. I turned to the worst ways to cope with my pain. I destroyed myself for the longest time. I needed you. I needed you more than ever. I begged for you to come back. Come home. I needed you to save me. I thought you heard me crying for you. I thought you sent me my blessing.

               I fell in love again. This was my blessing from you, I thought. I believed you had sent him to me to help me through my darkest days. After all, his birthday is the day you left. Wasn’t that your sign? He got me through the worst times in my life. He made me a better person. He made me fall in love again. He made me realize the first time wasn’t real. But I believed that the second time, with him, was. I thought he was the blessing you had sent me, but he turned out to be a lesson. Was that your intent this whole time? I hurt so much for so long. If you sent him to me to teach me a lesson, he taught me many. And I am so thankful.

               In the five years you’ve been gone, so much has happened. I wish you were still here. I still cry for you at least once a week. I miss you more than ever right now. You grow up believing that when someone dies, you move on. You get over it. That’s not always true. When you finally lose the one person who meant the most to you, it stays with you forever. I may be 18 now, but the pain I felt when I was 12 still lives with me in my heart every single day. I miss you more than words can ever say. I know you’re with me when I need you, but I still feel so alone sometimes. I know you’re in a better place now, and I hope to meet you again someday. I know I will. And when that day comes, there’s so much I want to tell you.

Thank you for never truly leaving me.

I love you, Deana Marie Garrison.